Interventions & Lists

Yet another sabbatical. Week 4 onwards is just downhill every quarter. This quarter has been particularly dramatic and I have been particularly amazed at how much can happen in one quarter (which is not even over yet)  - Good and not-so-good.

Point being, I was galavanting on my old blog and found a list I wrote on July 24, 2014.

It's titled : To-Do. 

Very very interesting piece about things I wanted to do once I made the big move and today as I read the list I felt awesome but at the same time horrible about myself because while there was so much done, there was also a lot left to do.

1)Drink More Water 

2)Talk more, Text less.

3)Sketch a lot. Sit by the lake and sketch.

4)Organize my Desk

5)Mind-Map (Work in progress)

6)Read one good book every month

7)Be more Direct & less diplomatic

8)Create a brand

9)Start a new blog 

10)Eat weird food

11)Wear less Makeup

12)Make a mood-board

13)Sky-Dive (Summer 2015)

14)Stop dwelling , Stop worrying

15)Read about the economy and about money

16)Save (Constant work in progress)

17)Spend less on clothes and more on food

18)Get retweeted 100 times

19)Design a typeface

20)Get comfortable on Skype

21)Send postcards back home

22)Watch foreign movies in languages that I don't understand  (Work in progress)

23)Learn a foreign language (Work in progress, thanks to Qiu from Ningbo)

24)Fewer emoticons :(

25)Learn to use Google Maps better  (I have aced this one)

26)Learn to make really good coffee

27)Be vocal, be honest.

28)Start an online portfolio

29)Do 16 Suryanamaskars and Tibetan Yoga everyday

30)At the end of these15 months read this to-do list and feel happy about yourself (6 more to go!)

Lists make you revisit your goals and reconsider your priorities.

When you're living in a new city - you're often so consumed with so much stimuli around you. You find less time for yourself and Your thoughts revolve around people more than your goals, it's often overwhelming, sometimes lonely and sometimes you create a million problems that don't exist. 

Obviously, some days are entirely spent on netflix.

 Sometimes you forget to think about the present and dwell in the future. Job/No job? India/America? At such times it's so important to have an intervention with yourself, go through old lists, make a new list, take the pressure off and have a jolly good time ;)

A new spring cleaning list & more updates on this eventful quarter will be up soon!

A bright yellow spring carnation, 

Juie

Who is she?

Who is she?

She must be her A4 size resume,

Crisp bold letters on a smooth white manuscript.

Maybe she is made of her triumphs the world knows of,

The school she went to and the Ivy League she graduated from?
Success and Victory is what she’s made of!

Or maybe, her relationships define her, or her high cheek bones,

The men she’s dated and the friends she’s had?

The red of her lips and the rouge on her cheeks?

Oh! She's her Maserati, or her house, her children and her spouse

Is she all of that?

Maybe her Twitter feed and her Facebook profile,

The duplicated life she leads swamped in her E-world!

The glamor and parties that surround her life?
Maybe her friends, maybe her foes,
On her photographs, a 100 likes?

She’s so much more:

She’s the dreams she dreamed about but couldn't accomplish,

The thoughts that twinkle her eye,

She is the thrill she feels in the climax of her book,

And her insecurities, she doesn't know why?
The songs that give her goosebumps,
and the movies that make her cry!
The grey areas of her mind that she cannot face,

The promises that to herself she makes,

She’s the way she loves and the way she cares

And the way she uses her radioactive mind!

The thoughts she has when she’s alone

And the places of comfort she finds.

She’s so much more than the daylight can see,

And the crevasses of night can find!

You're neither your color, nor your body,

You're nothing but your soul to the blind!

Valentine

"Self love is the wind beneath the wings of all relationships."
                                                             -Elin Stebbins Waldal

What does it take to love? 

Another person who understands you, cares about you and accepts you the way you are? 

I thought so too.

It's a little easier than that.  Just a little. 

Its about understanding yourself, taking care of yourself and accepting the way you are.

It took me a while to understand this because most of the times we are so caught up in overthinking, self judging and self depreciating that we feel happiest when we love someone else. It makes us feel good about ourselves, it makes us feel like we are capable of giving and receiving love. But that love has no power unless you love yourself enough.

Someone had once told me, "You can never love others unless you love yourself."

Seemed silly to me at that time because I didn't quite understand what it really means. I didn't know how much I loved myself because I was always surrounded by so much love from F&F.

After I came to Chicago I have gotten to know myself better.

 I feel raw, sometimes naked and sometimes outrageously insecure.

Never faced these emotions before because I was always protected by a flower blanket ;) 
But here it's cold, (often -22 degrees celsius) & obviously there is no flower blanket. There are days without any hugs and kisses which was so rare. There are days without meaningful conversations. There are days stuck in the library with a rocket science equivalent case with almost no human contact. There are days when you skip dinner, eat an unhealthy lunch and the thought of exercise doesn't even cross your mind. In such an atmosphere you often get beneath your own layers. I know I'm making it sound like I'm an onion but you could say that! 

That's when you realize how important it is to understand yourself better. Why you do what you do? Why you feel hurt, and what makes you insanely happy? Your insecurities, the little black patches on your snow white cloak, your alter-ego and your grey subconscious! 

It's also so important to take care of yourself. Waking up and doing some Yoga (Which I did after 1000 years today), alternating between cups of alcohol and water, eating your greens and keeping the stress level in check. IT'S SO DIFFICULT  but it's so necessary!

And lastly, it's important to accept the way you are! Quit the self judging, self depreciating behavior. We all make mistakes, get over it! 

And when you love yourself (No I don't mean obsess about yourself), you are so much more capable of spreading your love around and of inviting more love into your life! 

This valentine, start with some Self - TLC! 

I'm no agony aunt,
Valentine kisses,
Juie 

Put Yourself First

Sorry about the Sabbatical. New cities have a charm of their own. They take you in sometimes and don't leave you with any time for yourself. That being said, it is upon you to find time for yourself! Reinvent, re-energize and breathe. And so I did... today.

My room-mate, Yashna is a fabulous tarot card reader (If you know her, do a reading with her). There was a day when I was feeling low (For more reasons than one) and I decided to indulge in a session with the angels. I asked questions, got answers, said affirmations and I felt like a star doing a little belly dance after that. Since that day I have been thinking (more than my little brain can take) about what is that one thing I have learnt in the last 5 months. A lot of thoughts crossed my mind. Time Management being primary. Statistics (Ew) being secondary and a long list that ends with etcetera. 

But you know what the main reason for being out of my comfort zone is?

Learning to put myself first

When you are in your comfort zone (Read : Mumbai), you are surrounded by friends and family. You give so much to the ones around you. Emotional support, love, care, TIME! Receive as much too!

Coffee dates instead of lone-messy-painting days

Clubbing nights over reading nights

Chatter and Margaritas  over thinking and green tea

I don't regret any of that because spending time with my people is such a soul-healer. 
But at the cost of sounding like a little bit of an introvert(which I'm clearly not), the advantage of being away is to spend time with yourself. 

The giving and receiving begins within yourself !

Enjoying your own company. Dancing in your own music? 

I've had days when I have chosen to ditch the party, stay home and have real conversations! There have been days where I haven't studied statistics so I can write because that  is something that I love to do! Putting my needs and my comforts first, Learning to say no (Approval Addiction is worse than doing acid), gracefully moving out of situations that don't give me joy, blocking energies that don't make me happy, clearing the air when I feel guilty, quitting the over thinking, thinking about my future, my goals and my passions. They've been life lessons!


If you move into a new city let this be on the top of your to do list. It's the only time you get to look within and be an extroverted-introvert.

Put yourself first.

Juie

Photo: New York Public Library, December 2014.

Devoured

She was thirsting for his touch,
His bloodshot eyes, his delectable poise,
She wanted him to devour her,
To be extirpated by his charm,
Consumed.
She wanted to be read like she was a book,
Page by page, word by word,
His eyes reading the red leathered strong cover,
His long fingers tracing the nuances of the crisp paper.
She wanted him to bend the corners of the pages he found to be abstruse,
And re-read them while sipping on a glass of red wine,
She wanted to be understood, taken in,
Mind and soul, body bones and flesh.
He was laconic, and she was long cursive handwriting,
He was churlish, and she was complaisant,
He was dangerous and she was innocuous.
He was like a mountain that couldn't be weathered by a storm,
And she was like a stream that would keep changing shape and size,
He was the Mahogany Bonfire on her cold frosty winter's night,
Theirs was a tryst that couldn't be understood.

But little did he know,
That he was being devoured by her,
By the scintillating shine in her eye,
By the way she loved and the way she let poetry flow out of her crimson lips,
He called her meek and weak but he knew he would have to surrender to her strength,
She was the one who made ridges in his strong statuesque self,
He judged her, he chastised her,
but he wanted her, all of her,
Mind and Soul,body bones and flesh,
It hurt him that he could not have her,
because she was the stream and he was the mountain, She'd left him way behind.

21

When I came to the new city I was 21. (I still am for exactly 24 more hours)

It's quite an age, I must say! It has been a turning point for me for everything in my life - an age of change and learning, adventures and education, people and culture. 

A potpourri of dreams and emotions! 

Highlights of 21: 

1) Dreams. I entered the year with a smile. I knew it was going to be a roller-coaster ride and I could feel the adrenaline rush. It started with my admission into my dream school and that was probably the high of the year!

2) Hourglass. The next few months were a whirlwind. A lot of planning and a lot of chaos. Applications and visa interviews. A complete Information overload. 

3)Soaking in. There were so many occasions that I was trying to soak in. Family and friends, birthdays and anniversaries. Everything was feeling like sand that was falling from my hand. While I was excited about starting a new life I knew that there was a lot that I am going to miss.

4)Goodbyes. Then came the time to say goodbye. Farewell parties and airports. Tears and hugs and smiles through tears. OVERWHELMING.

5) Chicago. New city, new home, new bed, new fairylights, new pajamas. It was all new. New people, lots and lots of new people. Lots and lots of new happy people.

6) Northwestern University. Integrated Marketing Communications. INTENSE FIRST QUARTER. Lots of new peeps. Asians, Americans, South Americans, Culture, Conversation, Food, WOB. Laughter and a whole new IMC family! 

7) Fears and Tears. Out of the comfort zone, fears of people judging you, tears because of homesick days. Stressed Midterms and finals week. 

8) Accomplishment. Lots of relief because the first quarter was over. Out of the comfort zone was turning into a comfort zone, the house started to feel like a home.

9) Travel.New York City. Sightseeing through rose tinted glasses and days that felt like a movie. Empire state of mind.

10) Dreams coming true. Sometimes rosier than the actual dream and sometimes - Meh! 


WELL ,

There were a lot of experiences that were life lessons,
But what's more important is what I take from this year : 

1) Strength - We're women honey, strength finds us! Well, not being sexist but when the emotions go up so does the strength! All the emotions in this year have made me a stronger person. Extreme happiness and extreme homesickness, tears and laughter and skype calls and letters. Cooking meals and groceries and navigating through a new city. 21 taught me to take care of myself :)

2) Family - I value my family so much more! The value of 3 hot home cooked meals a day, of the mother's hugs and the father's scoldings. My nani's unconditional love. Sometimes you need to go away from people to value them more. Sometimes on a Skype call, you suddenly realize the value of a touch! I always valued my family but today I realize the value much more.

3) Relationships - I realized how important a support system is. I derive my support system from deep relationships. People who you can call at any hour and people who are there for you through it all. I am miles away from home and miles away from all the important relationships in my life. I see them all surviving, rather flourishing and so I realized how lucky I am to have a support system! 

4) Goals - I'm just 21 and in grad school. Believe me, it's a risk I took. I didn't give myself a few years to gather some experience and then go back to academics. Maybe I'm in a hurry? I'm not too sure... But this year, I think is the year where I have really started working seriously towards my life goals. There's been clarity and motivation and the education has provided a direction for me to dream and achieve :)

5) Happiness -Finally, Happiness. 21 reminds me of the quote - 
"If you want to be happy, be! "
This does not mean I've been happy throughout the year... I have been a sulky weirdo on days and a tortoise in her shell on others but through all of this I have realized that happiness is something I have to find within myself (or within the fridge)

There have been nights where I've danced on the tables too, days when I didn't give a rat's ass about life, days when I have sketched and painted and written poetry, and days that I have spent in bed with a huge tub of ice cream. 

The year's been a long island ice tea. In a tall glass. Strong and definitely not smooth.but once I finished it through my curvy straw it's left a good high ;) 

Thank you 21, You've been quite a ride!

ps. You know what 21 still hasn't managed to teach me? To proof read! I hope 22 gets me to be a little more patient!

Some serious last minute 21 year old swaggggger,

Juie 

Material

A dried black rose lay on the bedside. 

There was a somber silence. 

Two glasses of wine were on the table with parched lipstick marks. 

Two photo frames, tissues from her favorite restaurants and a rose gold hourglass. 

Red chopsticks with golden moldings on which ‘Fulfillment’ was delicately carved in Chinese calligraphy. 

Perfume bottles with just about 3 milliliters of perfume that she left to store. 

She sprayed some to remind her of road trips and some were just remembrances of home. 

Fairy lights hung on the windowsill because the sun wen down too early. That’s what she said but secretly she was looking for magic in her normality. 

A sketch pad and a box of fine liners, because art took her away from the rut of her daily life.  

A vase with a purple daffodil - standing tall and statuesque. 

Books - half read, fully read and untouched.   

A box full of photographs, mostly sepia. 

Letters rolled and tied with red ribbons. 

Memorabilia, smiles, memories and other ephemera.